neglected muffins

welcome back muffin lovers!! this week in the world of muffin mumbles we will be discussing the following topics: neglected muffins, pregnant muffins and something i like to call "pound cake" or "entemens muffins"! ok here goes, first let's talk about the neglected muffins. have you ever left something untouched, forgotten and left there to ROTT, well some ladies these days are not utilizing their muffins as much as they would like to. according to a friends of mine, they claim that "there are no worthy men good enough for their muffins so they have been "double clicking their mouse"(hopefully no explanation needed) . This is no good!! its like leaving that favorite pair of running shows in the back of your closet for a couple of years and when you find them again, their never really the same. a friend of mine told me, and i quote her, "its like my virginity grew back"! who wouldve thought that your virginity could grow back?! ladies please remember, your muffin is a muscle and you MUST WORK IT OUT! Dont get me wrong, i am not saying let everyone sample your "muffin top" but lets have some occasional "taste testings". okay now we have to get to these pregnant muffins! does anyone know how big a canteloupe is? ok lets picture a canteloupe coming thru the muffinnnnn, OUCHHHH!! The muffin actually stretches about this big when the baby is coming out. dudes, dont be alarmed it goes back to the muffin of old after(kinda)!! sometimes though, the muffin rips when the "muffin stretcher" comes out of that shit. A friend of mine actually called her muffin "frankenstein" because of all the stitches she had in her muffin after it ripped, by the way thats fucking disgusting!! on a good note, she did tell me that the doctor that sewed up her muffin up after went up a little too high so now she is turned on more and her muffin is like when she was a teenager again. its kind of like a "time machine" muffin now. Okay so now the "muffin stretcher" is out but do you think that shit is over, HELL NO. The doctor has to now go and scoop out some shit called "placenta" out of the muffin. Its like a water park that went all wrong! my friend actually motioned her hands like a poker player that won the whole pot and is scooping all his chips from the pot(picture it)!! ok pregnant muffin is kind of turning me off so on to our next and final topic, POUND CAKE MUFFIN!! the reason for the name "pound cake" muffin is because of the moistness of the muffin. have you ever had some good ass pound cake that was so fucking moist that you couldnt stop eating it? exactly fellas, i see you visualizing this in your mind. funny thing is, no matter how good this sounds their is still people that dont really like it this moist!!( sorry jon). some tell me they like some, and i use this term lighlty, FRICTION!! i say if you want some damn friction, get some sandpaper buddies! the muffin is really like cake, its yummy, moist, and most importantly soft!! okay pups i wrapping this mumble up for today. lets recap what we learned today about muffins, even though we neglect them, abuse them and have huge ass objects pass through them, they are still beautiful and lovely!! so treat them right!!! hit me up with ideas people, lets goooo!!!

otis spunkmeyer

What's bakin in the muffin oven?!

Well welcome back everyone! Today on muffin mumbles we will be discussing a couple of new findings discovered on the muffin front! First we have the "starter muffin kit"! for all who dont know what the starter muffin kit is, it is a box full of different sized tampons for different "flows" of that time of the month, and yes their is different flows ladies and gents(mainly gents). it kinda looks like a big bullet for you muffin but very soft. and seriously if you have ever bought a box of bullets, it looks just like that box but alot nicer! This just in, only o.b brand boxes looks like this!(thanks ashley and mindee). These little guys also have names fellas, first we have light for the waiting pool muffins(little flow). next we have regular for the shallow beach muffins or average beach day muffins, no waves.(a little more flow than light). than theirs super for the high tide muffins(crazy flow and bathroom break is just to change tampon, DISGUSTINGGGGGGGG). Than last but not least we have the hurricane katrina of muffin flow, SUPER PLUS TAMPONS(for the levy breaking muffins). Have you ever seen a glue stick? well if you have, this is what a super plus tampon looks like!!! fellas can you imagine putting a goddamn glue stick in your ass!!! sorry to go on a tangent but this is further proof how amazing and awesome the muffin is!! look at what the fuck these ladies have to do monthly guys! Back to the muffin kit, i have been told that their is no real order of flows. you can have hurricane katrina flow one day and then shallow beach flow the next, very interesting! EVERY MUFFIN IS DIFFERENT! Next up we have something i like to call contagious cycle. Did you guys know girls "adopt" the dominant females cycle. you can become the dominant female if your on the pill(birth control). I am not gonna lie fellas, being that i am around these muffins all day i would go home each and everyday and check my undies to see if i had some "SPOTTING GOIN ON". THATS HOW POWERFUL THE MUFFIN IS!! Back to birth control by the way, it can also effect how long your period lasts! Its kinda like muffin jail, you muffin could do 3 to 10!! dont worry, i am talking days!! Last but not least fellas let me just vent right now, i walked into the cooking room the other day and people were cooking with this shit called fish sauce. have you ever fucking smelled fish sauce? It fucking stinks. the part that thru me was some of my coworkers that were in the room said it smelt like "STANK MUFFIN"! honestly ladies, if your muffin smells like fish sauce theirs a huge problem! SO HANDLE THAT SHIT!! ight ladies and gents thats my story and i am sticking to it! hit me up with new ideas cause i love them!!

OTIS SPUNKMEYER

i love muffins!!

Ok so today is my first damn time creating a blog!! feels kinda weird but fuck it, gonna be fun! anyway this blog is pretty much gonna be about my journey as a male teacher in a female dominated profession! actually its gonna be about all the shit i learn from these crazy girls and all the stuff they use in their everyday life, such as maxis and tampons(things of this nature)!! me growing up in a predominately female family, u would think i would know alot more about "muffins"( my slang term for vagina), boy was i wrong! you all will come on my journey thru tampon fantasies, panty liner dreams, maxi pad pow wows, and "grammatical" monthly journal entries( a.k.a "that time of the month"). ok folks, sorry my first entry is so short but i am still getting my feet wet!! also i love new ideas so please shoot me some feedback!

OTIS SPUNKMEYER